GHOSTS

Over the years , people have been known to chase whatever they want neglecting what they need. Acts like this are usually as a result of the manifestations of our deepest fears and insecurities which we in fact have in spades. Varying in both magnitude and significance..

Think of it, the inability to control the elements that influence life leaves you almost unstable flooding into a spiral of bad and messy decisions. You can not control or understand them . They haunt to a point where their distinguishing factor means as much as 'a say so'. That is exactly what our fears and insecurities do to us. Whether or not we are brave enough to show, they taunt and torture us from the inside out..

Personally, I have a fear that servers both as a physical and metaphysical want and that fear is Loneliness. The thought that - I might one day sit by my window,withered by the storms that have rolled me in waves over the years,on my rocking chair, too beat down in grey to will myself to get up from it, staring into the nothingness that has been my refuge,cold ,too cold - that thought, recurrently aggressive in my mind scares me out of my mind. So I try and maintain a healthy relationship with the person I love but in the most unhealthy ways . How? Well, I give the best parts of me until there is nothing else to give and even then, I give some more. I convince myself that even if it kills me to lose myself to someone else, for their happiness, it is okay because I will never have to be alone. Between transforming into what he needs and developing a resistance towards the absence of what I need, I end up miserable and depressed. So, instead of me having the upper hand and getting ahead of my presumed inevitable loneliness before it catches up to me, I drown myself in other black holes and on top of that, I choose to live in denial..

It is easy to assume that you would snap out of something like that just because you know it is not right to live like that, it is not. Time and again, I tried to withdraw myself from the loop I had created but everytime I hit a brick wall, the same brick wall I created to keep me in . It never felt like it, but I was caught in the eye of a tornado and the calm of being there left me blinded to the chaos going on all around me  and dare I say, within me..

One day, I just realized that that was not what I wanted after all. That I would not mind someone on the empty space on my couch but if that was the only void that someone was going to fill,then I might as well get a pet, preferably a dog. Why? Yes, I did not want to be alone but I also need ; to be seen. To be acknowledged in all my perks and flaws alike. To go out and get asked out on dates. To have someone crave me mind body and soul. To mean just so much to someone that I would be considered irreplaceable. To be called and texted so much that it is odd because someone can not stop thinking about me. To have the same essence I'd carry someone with and not just for the moment but for as long as the years would lead us. I realized that that was not what I had and the person I wanted was incapable of offering what I needed and it is okay. I am okay and as it turns out , it feels exactly the same. In both his presence and his absence..

Point is,we find ourselves fixating so much on getting rid of what we do not want that we do not even try to get what we need. We all have our many fears and insecurities that cause us to make decisions that are far away being logical because we believe that  it is the best way to conquer them . When the truth is,there are a million ways to work with and or around them. I believe that we have power over our manifestations . Seeing as we are the creators. A fortnight ago, I killed my GHOSTS..