CONUNDRUM

Everyone remembers the first time they fell in love. You did not know what it was at the moment or what to do about it and that was the beauty of it. It was like having to cross a hill to hill bridge with a valley of roaring water below, not knowing what awaited you on the other side and it was completely exciting. The hill you are coming from being your individuality, the bridge being your connectivity to the person you are drawn to , the water below being the unfathomable emotions brewing within you and the hill you are going to being a place where the two of you could figure things out. It is all roses, tingles and butterflies because you are too shy to imagine anything other than that. It feels fragile and sensitive,not because of the consequences but because of the need to savour each and every second of it. You see all the good there is with the world in their eyes and you convince yourself that that is what magic is all about ..

I remember when I fell in love. It was different than when you would have a crush on someone. It was like getting your first hit and unknowingly growing into a fiend . The restrictive nature of puppy love makes you think that it will be worth the wait. It is literally a game of chess but a more downplayed - amateur one. Where every player thinks they have the basic knowledge of it but have never actually played before. Every move is cautious even though it isn't premeditated. Call it a dance of clowns,if you will..

When I kissed someone for the very first time, I remember saying to myself "is this what the hype is all about? this is what artists are singing about globally? where are the fireworks? where are the butterflies? even one would be more than enough right now,first of all, it feels very unsanitary to be in someone else's mouth. what if they do not brush their teeth as often as I do? can I get cavities from this if they have it? am I doing it right? is he doing it right? I mean, it is just a kiss but I really do not like it, is this one of those bad first experiences? if I overthink it enough I just might be able to taste everyone his kissed before, now I'm disgusted, I think I'm going to get sick,maybe it helps when you have feelings for the person because this feels like it will give me a stomachache" it was bad guys. I remember brushing my teeth and lips for as long as my hand could move without getting tired after I got home and contemplating chugging half a bottle of mouth wash to clean my insides as well..

I think people should know that just because they have feelings for you or are attracted to does not mean you are attracted to them and you do not owe it to them to reciprocate their misplaced emotions. That is just how it is. You would meet and speak to someone today and have them telling you how much they love you the next day and what's worse is they expect you to say that you do. That word is too important to throw around, it should mean something. Having a crush on someone is okay  but do not suffocate your crush with what you think you feel for them because that may guilt them into a relationship with you and it is not always guaranteed that your crush eyes you too so that might be the most miserable relationship to be in but if they do then good for you..

I believe in nurturing relationships. Mainly because I like taking my time with things and people which gives me the upper hand in controlling the number of my regrets. Like, let's get to know each other first cause I might like you now and vice versa but what if I find one too many things that will seem like an overcompromise to overlook? I will recent what we have and the person most of all. Let's face it,  everyone has a type and you can tell within the time it takes to make a first impression who is and who is not it. In other instances, you might be willing to compromise a few things because you might have raised the bar too high but overcompromising is literally leaving yourself and your preferences and trying to fit into a box where you condone and accept things that make everyone other than yourself happy. Do not let that happen..

Imagine getting to know someone and steadily grow into a friendship with them to a point where you just want to be with each other then you get into a relationship and everything is working out and problems that arise are dealt with a sober mind and you guys have like a whole three years of dating in the bag after being friends for two and knowing each other for a total of  seven years (dating and friendship inclusive). That just might work but then an impromptu pop of "the question" has one person expectantly on one knee and another backtracking the entire seven years with a reason to say yes or no.What happens when your boyfriend,whom you love proposes to you and you say no? What does that mean for the relationship? Do you guys break up after that? Does the guy resent you for rejecting the proposal? Personally, if the person I love were to propose to me today, I would say no. Yes, I love you but I'm not ready to get married. Marriage is a whole other level and it is a big step. I do not want to be in a position where I pledge to be with someone "till death do us part" infront of my friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances and most importantly, God. Unless I'm completely sure that that is exactly what I want..

I think people who are in long term relationships should talk about marriage. Do you see us getting married one day? Get to know the time frame as well. Be in the same head space so that when you decide to propose, it is something that has been looked forward to mutually and it's a guaranteed yes..

PS.

(I encourage you to go crazy in the comment section, I want to know what you guys think)..