FACES

Some people think I am too happy when some people think I am too sad. Some think they can vibe with me easily and some think I am too complicated. People think I have the potential to grow on them but others think I am entirely hard to love. I think, too and I know for sure that I am all of those things and a whole lot more..

 Everyday when I wake up, I am always distorted and the will to get out of bed is something I could not conjure even if I tried to and usually, I do not. I just lay in bed, looking up at the ceiling but staring into nothingness. I can not feel, I can not see, I can not hear. For a second, I begin to question if I am actually existing. I think it hurts too much and I am not sure that I want to anymore so I am filled with internal bliss. Truth is, I think about dying everyday. I think about what it would be like to seaze to be. What it would mean for me or what it would mean for other people. Then again, there might not be an effect at all. My heart believes that. Tears slide  down from my eyes and I automatically blink and that mortal action cracks a window through to reality and the noise floods in with it, covering me with awareness and I begin to function again. It happens everyday regardless of the place, my state of mind is fixed into an eternal loop of uncertainty..

I do not trust people, myself included. I try not to claim that I do but if I do I still do not. Trusting is too much of a risk. Not having to question anything because you believe in that person. I am a very inquisitive person and having my questions answered does not mean that I feel fulfilled. I will not always believe that it was answered truthfully. I will just listen and think , " that is a creative thing to say" or "hmm, that's a new one" it does not matter the amount of honesty that was poured into it. I do not have a reason to believe it. I am also an observer and I have seen people say things that were far from facts even when they did not have to. Lying is habitual and attaches itself into our personalities in that it becomes more of a defensive mechanism and we all know how those work. Personally, I find it easier to be like this because that way I do not award people with expections to live up to. Everyone is breezing by being whatever and doing it however and that does not bother me because I do not feel the need to be involved..

I was not always like this though. I had a lot of faith in humanity. I believed that people become better overtime. All I did was indulge , accept and forgive for the longest time but that never worked for me. It does not matter who it worked or works for but it did not work for me so I let it go. I also let myself get drenched in whatever faces I wear on different days(which are not actually by choice) . Not everyone is going to put up with that though. People who see you and like you in your high will always want you but only when you are that way. They will not take the time to understand you when you are low. In fact, they will attack you for it and make it seem like you are being a villain for allowing yourself to be in the state of mind and emotional space that you are in. At first, I always felt the need to explain myself for being where , how and who I am even though I can not help it. Then I realized that I do not know how to do it in a way that anyone would understand and even if I could, no reason would be good enough if it is not pleasing  ' in the eyes of the beholder ' . So I stopped expressing myself even to my own self. Most times, I  am overwhelmingly self-conscious but not in the best way. I am insecure and the illusion of self worth is just but a myth I did not choose to look into..

I find myself switching from state to state in a matter of hours. I could be three different people in a day and not know why or even how but I let it be because I feel too tired to try to understand why the Sun is going around the moon. It is suffocating to not be able to know that this is how I feel and why and be able to be relatively relatable in that state. It feels like I am trapped in a shell. Like my soul momentarily can not stand to be possessed in the flesh and bone it has always lived in. So, I shut down and get closed off. I am a walking - talking haze of void. It is not the easiest thing to feel or translate. I keep trying to juggle them but it is too heavy especially since I am so alone..